Montale. night.

Ho sceso, dandoti il braccio, almeno milioni di scale

e ora che non ci sei è il vuoto ad ogni gradino.

Anche così è stato breve il nostro viaggio.

Il mio dura tuttora, né più mi occorrono

le coincidenze, le prenotazioni,

le trappole, gli scorni di chi crede

che la realtà sia quella che si vede.

Ho sceso milioni di scale dandoti il braccio

non già perché con quattr'occhi forse si vede di più.

Con te le ho scese perché sapevo che di noi due

le sole vere pupille, sebbene tanto offuscate,

erano le tue.

Я спустился, дав тебе руку, по крайней мере по миллиону лестниц,

и сейчас, когда тебя здесь нет,

на каждой ступеньке — пустота.

И все-таки наше долгое странствие

было слишком коротким.

И мое - все еще длится, хотя мне уже не нужны

пересадки, брони, ловушки,

раскаяние тех, кто верит, что реально лишь то. что мы видим.

Я спустился по миллиону лестниц, дав тебе руку,

не потому, что четыре глаза, может, видят лучше.

Я спустился по ним с тобой, потому что знал,

что из нас двоих - единственные верные зрачки,

хотя и затуманенные,

были у тебя.

child u are, no more

материальность слов

- i've got a fantastic offer for u! - i told him in the worning
- i'll think about. how to organize. we'll need to talk.

- i've got a fantastic offer for u! - i told her in the House of Composers.
- i'll think about. how to organize. we'll talk about.

what can be better then such a conversations?!

- i asked my boss and cheked information...
- i think i'll manage to save money and mom will help me...

thats not dreams conversations - as i alreafy told u. - conversations when u discuss future reality in ruthless details. but this future reality looks like a dream just.

island that was, in Finland...to remember...

счастлив, счастлива, счастливы

Happiness. That’s about happiness.
Every time I hear it, it seems to me that there is no more reasons for being. Every time I hear it, I close to crying out. Like first time I understood it, I was crying when he shouted it to me. Every time I hear it – next night I lay and think about it. I surprise, how, why, if I realized it and if I can do more.
Every time I hear…
I’m happy. With u.Because if u.
Tell me smth more wonderful u can have. When person next to u and person from another side of the planet tells u, writes u, whisper to u
I’m happy.With u.Because of u.

invite me to the theatre

пригласи меня в театр. мне так хочется в театр.

after a ship and short conversation

Есть что-то, что меняет жизнь. Саму. Ее ход, ее течение. Цель, курс, направление, смысл. Меняет. Что-то. Книга. Фильм. Слова. Сцена в парке. Музыка. Картина. Платье. Океан. Есть люди, которые меняют жизнь.
Есть люди, которые меняют жизнь.
Твою.
Не будем брать судьбу таких людей. Важно ли это. Они меняют судьбу другого. Других.
Через некоторое время после того, как встретил такого человека, начинаешь дрожать. Ты не веришь. Что есть простой ты. И совсем не простой он. Что его жизнь – его мысли – его слова – то, что он делает – уже не оставит тебя. Ты уже не будешь другим. Не сможешь . Иначе проклянешь себя до конца своих дней.
Хочешь стать лучше.
В горах ты хочешь стать лучше.
Я хотела стать лучше в горах.

Однажды я услышала. Ты изменила мою жизнь.
Однажды мама сказала мне. Ты изменишь жизнь.

Менять жизни. Одна вещь долго не давала мне покоя. Это почти менять. Открывать. Миры. Новые миры. Этот мир. Только еще и еще. Делать шире, еще, раздвигать границы, давать понимать, давать увидеть. Давать почувствовать. Что-то новое. Что-то сильное. Что-то, что заставит тебя плакать. Смеяться. Думать. Думать. Еще. И еще. И изменит. Тебя.

Открывать миры. А ты кто.
Ты открываешь их кому-то.
Или открывают тебе.

И что… не что лучше, нет… но… ты… будешь открывать миры. Или их будут открывать для тебя.

Меня колотило всю ночь. Я плакала. Дрожала как в лихорадке. Как тогда в поезде с температурой 38. меня колотило всю ночь. Потому что…

There is smth that changes life. Itself. The way of life, its stream. Aim, course, direction, sense. Changes. Smth. The book. Film. Words. Scene in the park. Music. Picture. Dress. Ocean.
There are people who change life.
There are people who change life.
Urs one.
Let us not take the destiny of these very people. Is that important. The change the destiny of another one. Another ones. In some time after u met such a person u start to tremble. U don’t believe. That there I the simple u. And totally not simple him. That his life – his thoughts – his words – what he does – will not leave u. and u will not be the same. U’ll not be able, otherwise u’ll curse urself till the end of ur days.
Want to be better.
In mountains u want to be better.
I wanted to be better in mountains.

Once I’ve heard. U’ve changed my life.
Once my mom told me. U’ll change life.

To change life. There is one thing I’ve been thinking about a lot. That’s almost to change. It is to discover. Worlds. New worlds. This world. But more and more. To make wider. More, pull apart. To make understand. To make see. To make feel. Smth new.Smth strong. Smth that will make u cry. Laugh. Think. Think, more. And more. And will change. U.

To discover worlds. And who are u.
U discover world for another one.
Or smbd discover it for u.

And wht is… not better.. but… u… u will discover words. Or they will discover it for u.

I was trembling this night. I was crying, I was shaking like in fever. Like in the train when I had 38 temperature. Because…

когда хорошо

а ночью я подумала... а почему нельзя?

something about family

yesterday I came home, I was going so slowly, I knew that I would wedge myself in the middle of the battle, Hasan left, something wrong that was, I was going do slowly, but when I entered, that was just Mary with champagne. We kept silence a minute may be, I stood like I was, in my black working skirt, feet naked… then she sighed, stood up, took another glass and made me a drink.
We were sitting in living room till late, till 1 a m may be, with that champagne. She told that was loud evening. And may be that’s good that wasn’t there. (u’re already big girl and have ti understand some things, - Hasan told me trying to explain why it’s better for me to celebrate a NY separated). We were talking till late. And she reminded me – I forgot, I really almost forgot that last winter that was, the same, when we were together in Thailand. Second evening, we went to a night beach (both in white dresses:)) and was sitting in these laid-back chairs, feet in water, facing to darkness and stars and were drinking martini. That was first and last evening of us together before leaving the town, the rest of this night and next one I spent out in this dress, seeing her in afternoon in the beach. But that 3 hours in the night, and all the travel together, river, island, small bungalow, always sleeping next to each other, trip which didn’t make us closer, so strange, but that was 2 weeks together of sisters, I don’t remember if we ever had that before. And yesterday.
I don’t feel myself a little bit close to her. But may be yesterday I realized what “sister” means. Not in help-if-smth-happens meaning. In meaning – even-if-not-close-but-sister
May be tomorrow I ll break her a nose again with a door, but this realization was like a thunder.

to fly stairs

I fall in sleep at 5 and at 8 I wake up mom. It’s an only time for conversations. To discuss all the important things or to tell one story. I was making her coffee, trying to discuss flat affair when she told me……

I don’t remember with which husband that was. We ve been to Murmansk, just lived together, when I had to come back to Peterburg. I was thinking too – “so I ll manage my life till summer, then it will be holiday, we will meet again and then who knows, will see. So I came to Peterburg. I had problems with my job, with absent of it actually, they didn’t want me without registration which was in Murmansk. So I sent a telegram. The answer was one word. “Come”. What a young fools. And I sat in the plane and came. I remember I came to his house and saw lights in his window. I was flying up in the stairs. So happy I was. Happy. I still remember this happiness of this silly coming back and his windows..

And it can be nothing worse then be with the man whom u don’t love. Windows of my first husband made me run away. I couldn’t watch them coming back home.

he’s coming back

what i feel and what i don't

tehnological affair

I didn’t break webcam in my laptop. It just disappeared. I mean – disappeared. I couldn’t find it. I can say that me and computer are not getting along very well but it wouldn’t hide webcam I’m sure.

I asked my friend – but he was rude and busy.

I asked couple of capoeristas – but they found capoeira video inside and forgot about business.

I asked university friend – but they understood in laptops less then me (notice: influence of philological education on males)

I asked my colleagues – 5 adults men – all with laptops of they own spent one hour with my laptop. It seemed to me they unbuilt and built it again. They were cruel and shouted a lot. They didn’t dare do some thing. When office was already closed they gave up.

I came in computer store. Seller appeared and I opened my laptop. Please, could u help me, I whispered. He was trying hard until manager told him to stop wasting time for beautiful girls.

In the morning I thought that it’s impossible. Camera couldn’t disappear. Computer hided it. I opened laptop. In 5 minutes I wrote a message: in the evening u’ll SEE me in internet! That’s all about geniality. And private business with laptops.

Amazonian farmer

i miss talking to u. i miss ur strange suffering faces while we were talking.

thats about worlds. thats all about words we re living in. we're creating and facing. thats all about worlds.

from all the words of ur life may be 3-4 will be reall

- spokoinoi noch. Ya lubluy tebya.
- Ya hochu zasnut s toboi.
- Ya hochu jit s toboi.

В двадцать лет нельзя говорить. Так. Я хочу провести с тобой каждую минуту своей жизни. Я хочу провести с тобой всю свою жизнь. Нельзя. Невозможно думать, что тебя нет в моем будущем. Не говорят слова – единственная. Мы кричим, мы пишем, мы шепчем, что мы любим, но какая сила нужна, чтобы почувствовать ее. Мама не может неожиданно нахмуриться и спросить – ты что, девочка, ты что, любишь, а не влюблена? Мама не может говорить, не зная, не видя, только смотря на тебя – девочка, похоже на то, что ты встретила своего мужчину. Нельзя. Да нельзя. Из всего сказанного нами за жизнь верными. Настоящими. Искренними будут может быть три-четыре слова. Я не уверена. Может быть, меньше.
Нельзя такое говорить. А как без слов? «я знаю, я помню. Ты говорила мне, что глупо быть уверенным в любви человека к тебе, и как мне доказать тебе. Что я.люблю.тебя. знай это. Знай, знай. Чувствуй. Прошу тебя».
Я не знаю, что можно говорить, а что нельзя. Я знаю только, что сила ощущений пугает меня. Склонная к всплескам, я стараюсь, всегда старалась приглушить свои чувства. Сила чего угодно пугает нас.
Как испугала однажды. Если честно попытаться понять себя, понять почему – не почувствовать, нет, сказать. Признаться – вызывает громадный, панический, мучительный протест, почему лучше показаться чуть более равнодушной. Чуть мене чувствующей. Больше. Всего. Я. Боюсь. Показать. Что. Чувствую. Сильнее. Чем другой.
Как обидно понимать, что не очень достойный человек оказал на твою жизнь такое влияние. Так ведь было. Разгоряченной сердце. Много слов. Много признаний. Я понимаю сейчас, я представляю взрослого мужчину, дядечку, читающего, улыбающегося, с легким пожатием плеч, над излияниями 16-летней девчонки. С которой он просто выпил кофе. Сила чего угодно пугает нас. «Напиши об этом злой смешной роман». Спасибо. Я, наверно, напишу.
Просто теперь я кричу сама, но кричу, что нельзя, нельзя говорить. Так. Про жизнь. Про правильного человека. Даже про любовь.

E’ come un urlo gigantesco che grida, e quelllo che grida e’ “banda di cornuti, la vita e’ una cosa immensa, lo volete capire o no? immensa”…
…il fatto e’ cht io glo volevo bene, a lui, e volevo che scendesse un giorno da li’, e suonasse per la gente e sposasse una donna simpatico, e avesse dei figli einsomma tutte le cose della vita, che magari non e’ immense, pero e’ anche bella, se solo hai un po’ di fortuna, e di voglia…

"Это как рев гиганта, который кричит и кричит, а кричит он: толпа рогоносцев, жизнь - безмерна, понятно вам или нет? Безмерна".…Дело в том, что я любил его, и хотел, чтобы рано или поздно он сошел с корабля, и играл для людей на берегу, женился на симпатичной женщине, обзавелся детьми, в общем, обычная жизнь, которая может и не безмерна, но все же прекрасна, если у тебя есть хоть немного везения и желания.

Кричать. Кричать. Кричать. Кричать. Кричать.

2 strang phrases they told me

So do u best next life and try to born as a man. – with a smile, but who could know better that he is talking seriously.

.. in this tough ironic manier that months ago - all u do is drinking stealing and sex. Darling.

- yeah, tomorrow, - she said. - let's dance our hearts out

некоторые вещи ничего не значат

some things mean nothing. for example when my mom tells she will recall - it means nothing.

Alessandro baricco in nights. di nuovo.

Si sedette, e inizio’ a suonare. Ragtime. Ma sembrava una cosa mai sentita prima. Non suonava, scivolava. Era come una sottoveste di seta che scivolava via dal corpo di una donna, e lo faceva ballando. C’erano tutti I bordello d’America, in quella musica, ma I bordello quelli di lusso, quelli dove e’ bella anche la guaradarobira. Jelly Roll fini’ ricamando delle notine ivisibili, in alto in alto, ala fine della tastiera, come una piccola cascata di perle su un pavimento di marmot. La sua sigaretta era sempre la’, sul bordo del pianoforte: mezza consumata ma la cenere era ancora tutta li’. Avesti ditto che non aveva voluto cadere per non far rumore.

Он сел и начал играть. Джаз. Но это была музыка, которую, казалось, никто никогда не слышал раньше. Он не играл. Он скользил. Это было будто… будто шелковое нижнее белье, которая соскальзывает с тела женщины, он заставлял падать эту комбинацию, он заставлял женщину танцевать. Все бордели Америки были в этой музыке, но бордели первого класса, такие, где красива даже гардеробщица. Джелли Ролл закончил вышивать эти неуловимые ноты, все выше и выше, до самого конца клавиш, будто маленький водопад из жемчужин обрушился на мраморный пол. Сигарета так и лежала там, на краю пианино, полусгоревшая, но пепел все дрожал на ее конце. Можно сказать, что пепел не хотел падать, чтобы не наделать шума.

back of beyond

After days in train – like after days in the ship - u stagger out. Dervish met us, shaky, in Irkutsk. Irkutsk.

That mountain climber told us a joke in the morning – which I don’t remember. 2 men who live in Irkutsk meet each other in the street.
“u heard the news? Misha left for Moscow. To live there”.
“Moscow?! And where it is?”
“I don’t really know. They say to the West. 5 000 km”.
“God! What the back of beyond!” (culo del mondo:)

So he met us in Irkutsk. And in couple of hours we already moved to Baikal. “Distance here is a little bit another thing”, he told us. They say Irkutsk is on the lake. But we came close to Baikal when it was already dark. “couple hours more – ha said – and we’re on site”. On foot. I set my ski straight on my shoulder. We were going down and down. I heard that u start to help urself with hands when angle of slope is 45 deg. So it was less. May be 40.

Russian banya. Sauna. Dervish was exited. We will swim in Baikal then! He was exited. Actually everything Dervish was exited about had only response in us – vaifancullo. May be smth more rude. My face told me that it is -30 now. (that guys who just climed down from 3400 metres mountain. One of them didn’t have a mask for a face. That was -50 and his face is frost-bitten now). I looked at black deepness 200 metres from me, that sounded like an ocean. 200 metres of iced ground. Swim there? Please!

We did it twice.

Second time, running to dark shore, stucking to ice with my bare feet (the most scareful sensation ever), feeling with my bare hot skin… feeling… I dived to water, with my head, I dived under water second time here, I dived there and after 2 strokes I suddenly felt that I will stand still now, ice still now, in this very position of mermaid, under water, I will ice still here. I was going back very slowly. I still felt fear. I was watching stars. There are millions there.
We were drinking lake water whole night. I met Baikal just next day. Met Baikal.

мир без снега.

как дико. как грустно и нежно. как счастливо. как надеждно. я хожу в его боксерах, или в его пижаме и мне не немножко все равно на это мир, на эту странную зиму за окном. я читаю итальянские книги в оригинале. я слушаю Моцарта перед сном. я вспоминаю горы. хожу в его пижаме. мама смеется. хасан хмурится.
Хасан...
как много мыслей про него. как много чувства, как много нежности, безусловной. как много отчаяния сейчас. непонимания. неверия. он ведь останется. он не может не остаться. но ведь это его жизнь. а мы и так...

spero

I was about to cross the road when these guys stopped in they car next to me. Miserable way to get to know girl in skirt. I moved left, they moved left, I moved right, same they did. They ended up bumping in me with boot of their car. Bumping in my hip. Got scared and left shouting smth. I don’t know what made me angry more – bruise on my leg, disgust of these young guys or broken stockings. But all the way home I desired with all my power them to get into crash. Don’t wish people bad they say. But I did my best doing it. And I’m sorry that I ll never know if I’m strong enough.

rememberin' with Ostrovsky

"Ах, как нехорошо! Нет хуже этого стыда, когда приходится за других стыдиться…а стыдно, стыдно, так бы убежала куда-нибудь".
(oh, things are bad! There s no shame worse when u have to be ashamed for another person… Shame, shame.. If I could just run away now…)

Островский написал это. А еще он сказал:

Кто-то любит арбуз, а кто свиной хрящик.
(one loves watermelon, another prefers pork gristle)

Гениальный был дядя. Genius one.

couple and couple of hours before NY

- Why u come so late? It means we will have dinner without u.
- What do u mean? I come at 10, dinner starts around 11.
- Around 11?! But we will go outside already! At 12 we must be in the street
- No, at 12 we must be home – to watch Putin and kuranty.
- Putin starts to talk at 12?
- No, 5 minutes before.
- Wow. He s got a lot to say. Italian president such a nice guy that has a speech at 10 and talks more then an hour.
- I don’t care. 5 minutes to 12 we must see Putin. And then kuranty. To do Russian New Year we must eat 2 types of Russian salats, watch Irinia sud’by film, listen to Putin and drink champagne at 12 under kuranty.
- U want to say that at 12 all the country spend in front of tv?
- Yes. It’s necessary.
- It’s so… depressing…! In Italy everybody outside in the street, shouting, celebrating, drinking, hugging…
- U’re in Russia. Respect it.

During all the dialog I couldn’t get rid of feeling that something wrong is going on here.

train life. a bit more.

train life

To start with train? Because I was afraid train the most – 4 days and 4 nights in upper berths in second class sleeping carriage. “Never travel with ur friends and with ur lovers. It’s too dangerous”. But mom is the person of distance. Let us try. And may be once she would be right and u will throw ticket to the ground of Alexandria and another time…
Another time I was ill. After night of fever I opened my eyes and – as they told me after – looked in the way that everybody thought “I should help her somehow”. We had 3 bags of food and I had infection of throat. Fever passed after uncountable hours of sleep and one set of chess. (“I’ve never seen a person who takes this game so seriously and personally. C’mon, u’re suffering! I just ate ur queen, it’s not THAT big deal!”. My first set of chess finished in 25 minutes and even my kingdom ruined now I know what it’s about). So fever passed. But I could eat nothing. Food was a pain. Throat was a pain. Life was a pain, but just generally. He laughed, called me vecchietta and was making me pear pure. It’s when u cut pear in smallest pieces, add hot water and sugar and give me as a only food that I can accept. Food that Italian could accept came in Novosobirsk.
“U have khachapuri? No? and pies? No? and what u have? Pizza? Ok. Anastasia, why I should move 5 000 km and find just pizza in night station?”
“I told u before. U, Italians, have poked ur nose everywhere…”
“We had time”.

Anyway stations were no more then 20 minutes. And colder and colder that was when we drop out to similar narrow platforms. Time passed. Plus one hour in ur watch, plus 2, plus 5. We didn’t know the time and days. That was evening when sun was rising and that was day when they turned off the light. We were sleeping mostly. Drinking tea in darkness downstairs or sleeping when may be that was day. One berth or 2 berth wasn’t matter. One berth.
“lets come back to train. That were may be the most wonderful 4 days I ever had” – сказал он.

They say in Russia – before marry – go to Vladivostok in train. One week. Together. After that week u will understand all u need. That u want to spend with her the rest of ur life or not. If not – u can leave her in Vladivostok. And go back in plane. For landing in the same country after 10 hours of flight.

envelope from Italy

Suonavamo perche’ l’Oceano e’ grande, e fa paura, suonvmo perche’ la gente non sentisse passare il tempo, e si dimenticasse dov’era e chi era. Suonavamo per fatgli ballare, perche’ se balli non poui morire, e ti senti Dio. E suonavamo il ragtime, perche’ e’ la musica su cui Dio balla, quando nessuno lo vede.
Su cui Dio ballava, se solo era negro.

Мы играли им, потому что Океан огромен и страшен. Мы играли им, потому что люди не чувствовали, как проходит время и забывали где они и кто они. Мы играли, чтобы они танцевали, потому что когда танцуешь – нельзя умереть, и ты чувствуешь Бога. И мы играли рэгтайм (джаз), потому что это музыка, под которую танцует Бог, когда этого никто не видит.
Под которую Бог танцевал, если бы он только был негром.

Alessandrio Baricco.

if u decide..

If u decide to celebrate New Year in dormitory – usual dormitory of … State University – be ready to celebrate all the New Years of all the nationalities of the world (within the bounds of dormitory’s capacity). Be ready to celebrate New Year every half an hour even that time zone (if I’m not mistaken) divided in hours. I remembered the most Japanese one. Small shy Japanese neighbor became man of the world for a minute (and I really don’t remember at what time it was). Me and room of Kazakhstan guys where I found myself were absolutely happy about 2 short words which showed that in Japan too New Year came.

Present which I gave was adapted Dostoyevsky. “He wrote about soul. Read this book. I’m glad that I got to know ur soul. So complicated and beautiful”.

And if u decide to celebrate New Year in dormitory never take friends in whom u’re not sure any more with u. U will be ashamed. Ashamed because they will throw glasses in ur head, beat ur face, cry and shout on u generally and pour the water on ur body when u’re already sleeping. In the end u don’t remember and don’t wanna actually remember - because the booz of champagne is the most “vertigo” one. In the end ur New Year was marvelous and his – didn’t. In the end the time to turn the page of the chapter which had to finish came and u feel relief. In the end the time to close again the period of ur life (which I so used to do) came and u feel no more then relief again.
A little bit ashamed for a New Year. And relief.

Pust’ vse budet horosho. Let everything be good. – I was writing and writing this night. And I believed it. Because it’s right time to believe.

al'improviso

- я перепутал даты. я уезжаю завтра. завтра утром.
- но...

that was sun 1st of january...