still...

Begnini...

in different parts of country

...when u leave Itaky we always have some days raining...

weakness and power

"я голая перед тобой"
я стояла перед ним, голая
я слишком голая перед тобой

люди занимаются любовью голыми

ur meetings

These women on black-and-white photos... u talk with them now, keeping this shots in mind... i want to be like her.
what a childish wish.
but i want to be like her.
(i even took secretly one photo of her)
(but don't tell anybody)

.

and so what? who and when brings portwain to faculty to drink it?

what was happening. such a small piece...

quote

“all ur words about… I suppose it could have been the Chianti. In that case, I can forgive u”.

Lucio Dalla

Una famiglia vera e propria non ce l’ho
E la mia casa e’ piazza Grande
A chi mi crede prendo amore e amore do,
Quanto ne ho

A real family I don’t have
And my home is Piazza Grande
From those who believe me i take love
And to them I give love
All I have

Vorrei entrare dentro I fili di una radio
E volare sopra I tetti delle citta’
Incontrare le espressioni dialettali
Mescolarmi con l’odore del caffe’
Fermarmi sul naso dei vecchi
Mentre leggono I giornali…

I’d like to get inside the wires of the radio
And fly over the city roofs
Bump into phrases in dialect
Mingle with the smell of coffee
And linger on the noses of the old men
As they read the newspapers…

let's make it faster

I was crossing the Red Square upset till tears.

“I know that u hear it no first and no fifth time”. But still I can’t accept it.

How did it sounds? Too easy.

“u re with me or we stop our relationship”. Dot.

“what do u mean – we stop?”

“we stop”. Dot.

And that’s all. 2 years of friendship – fuck off. Capoeira seminar, rehearsals and concerts and trainings and guitar and shots and faculty and music and… - fuck off. U sleep with me? No? fuck off.

I was sharing with him my head for years before he let me know he actually prefers to share smth else.

If I still bother somebody with my thoughts, opinions or “deep light soul”?

I m so sorry to loose some people from my life. But sometimes is better.

I should feel strong for breaking people? I feel just pain.

“that’s not the first and fifth time u hear it”.

U knew I was there - he wrote.
And I could do nothing.

tu sei casinotta

And I missed my train in Paris. For the National Library couple of stations along.
And I missed last train from the small sea village where oranges are borning and where I wanted to stay.
I missed my plane back to Paris and I missed my plane to Moscow.

This viaggio was a disaster from the very beginning, from the idea, but that was so beautiful, that sometimes I was crying in the night. That’s not food, or Vespa, or gestures, or roofs or color of houses.
There s a sun in ur country, - I whispered leaving.
I knew I could stay. that made me not?

not even one photo.

And I never was more a child and more grown up then these days.

singing

Вот так случилось, мама, уезжаю,И счастье только с ним одним найду.Когда, когда пришла любовь, сама, сама не знаю,Позвал он, мама, и я за ним иду.

mostly sad story

I came to my group, to my favorite group of students, to these my 5 guys… and put out a bottle of champagne. Of course I didn’t have to come at all. I already quit. That was just my way.They had more then surprised eyes. Teacher gives them fizz?

- Over. – I told quietly. – that’s already not a lesson. I’m laving company.

The reaction they had showed me may be not their English skills but that I’ve made smth more then Tense explanation. One of them just lifted down his head to his arms and stayed like that. They all had such a lost look that I wanted to scream – no! that’s joke! I’ll still be ur teacher! Don’t look like that, please! I came here with champagne! We ll keep in touch!

- Keep on with English – only I told.

- Nope – Answered the second one.

- I just had to give u intence and love to language. – that was so not right to leave them at the moment when… “u have to know – 3d told – that for these 3 month I got English more then for a year of such a study before”.

We spent there 2 hours talking. We made out a way and I know that I ll see them not once or twice.

As my way that Vika gave me – that ur student may become ur friend. And they do.

and year more

And as I was telling yesterday, raised up, making toast, what I was trying to express…That there is a relationship I have - I have many years. There is a person I have. They call this relationship – friendship, and I call him – Slavka. We love to mention that that was time when we were sitting always together and were spending nights and nights talking. We love to mention that that was time when we didn’t speak with each other and were blood enemies. We love to mention then after a year like that we met in Arbat side-streets and since that I can’t imagine saying “friend” not mentioning him.

That a person with his way. And that’s a very strong person. He is one for whom u will rush from some far place to have a chance to see. He is one who may rush to some far place. That’s a person with his own philosophy. Changing, growing, but it means – first of all – core. And when I feel absent of still – I come to him. When I feel absent of smile – I come to him. When I feel absent of him – I rush to him. He is not easy one, or “just happy” one, or “just” one. He is one who change world around him.

Rasin's birthday

and we - 4 of us who ve been studing together - told with glasses:
- Hey, and we re the first time drunk together!...

place where i ve been and place where i want to be

Such places are sacred. U feel sacred. My room is becoming such a place – my new room is already such a place.

Once from a cafeteria like this a stole a book – about brazil. I still didn’t read it.

(-What the flag u ve got on ur wall? This one? I can’t recognize the country.

- I have mo idea.

- but I have this flag on ur wall!!

- the fact that I stole it doesn’t mean that I know what’s the country it is).

So the fact that I stole a book…

Again not the topic… such places are sacred…

party horrow (smth obviously happened)

stories

да, и в этом письме была некрасивая история о том, как бывшая девушка, уговаривая его на постель, как аргумент уговаривала его, что я изменяю ему тут, в Москве.
Отнекиваясь, что «sex with ex is kind of necrophilia” (WoodyAlen, thank u:)), он шел домой, сигарета за сигаретой, думая о будущем. А это будущее было…
и я не могу написать эти слова? Слишком сильные они, слишком личные…
проговорить в конце длинной-длинной лестницы, не веря даже …

так вот, Nimain отреагировала очень однозначно (мне очень нравится, когда она говорит и поступает так однозначно)

«su4ka! Ja dam tebe per4atki, ty pride6 v Milan I nabje6 ei roju! kakaya su4ka! Ja s udovolstviem budu derjat ee, poka ty bude6 bit!”.

But not that. I wanted to tell that everything is happening in one night.
Everything always s happening in one night.
All the revolutions are happening in one night.
When in this night smth is changing in u – be sure that this world has just changed.

And one more strange unbeautiful story that I’m being told here. That a person, whose life I know nothing about in last month s trying to touch mine – talking with people of my life. “she writes every day here!”. “I got it, ok”. But I didn’t.

next days

I opened my eyes with a rude voice of radio, with her hand on my waist, with this guy cooking something, may be... and with snow behind the window to the core of the city. I opened my eyes. I needed everything but reality.

If I was trying to excuse myself walking home under the snow? May be. На вечеринках целуешь первого, кто попадется под губы. Lips. I remember floor. “I always had a special feeling to a floor” – I used to kidding myself. If I was trying to excuse myself, of course I did. (“u can’t call it cheating. What is going on in my HEAD – that’s cheating”. – “that’s true”). That was this kind of party which u have to forget after just knowing something more about ur passion side.

i came home keeping on excusing myself and then – there – in the same night – I suddenly realized that something’s change – because of me. While I was driving myself crazy trying to change my attitude – he did it. “я не смогу уже сказать – да. это милая девушка из Москвы. Она будет красивой частью моей жизни. – нет. Я хочу, чтобы ты была моей жизнью”. And more: “I wouldn’t forget if she cheated on me”.
I used to say that.
I used to shout that.
Inside myself.
Until I tried to do my best in changing it.
And I changed?

documentary "one day with A."

one more minute and I ll stop in the middle of the street and will just scream – I thought leaving embassy. Laughing at me he drop me to a dark bar (2 p.m. again!) and -, giving me kashasa with banana liquor explained me that if I wait for a Friday – RELAXED and simply happy, if I wait for a Friday just knowing that it’s gonna happen (he ment more life then Friday) I will receive not only what I want. But even a little bit more. I finished my drink. That was a middle of the most mess day I ve ever had. And only sitting here with him – and later – when she bought me coffe between auditoriums – I felt myself IN my body and IN my life. I came back home broken in pieces. But I felt in sleep nervously happy about my life.

u ve got what to add?

Salzbourg, Barselona, Paris

- I stand 10 days. What a strong person I m!
- I just afraid that this our affair means that we will have to make it out in April too. And in May. And in June!
- I’m ready to miss June meeting)
- Just come faster. Just come faster here.

As I tried to explain – when else u do wonderful senseless folly if not when u re 20 and u re in love.

long post about cheating

“And that’s official date of us, u still didn’t understand?”
So we started to drink at 2 p.m. and play poker later. I mean it. We started to drink at 2 and play poker later. At my place, with guitar and smoke, with plans for Africa for the next summer and holding hands. Sometimes. With – already – vermouth.
I still felt with him like with official friend, I still felt beautiful with him, all this 11 hours of official date.

My attitude to cheating have changed.
“just try to touch somebody else” once I told him. “just try to touch somebody else” once he answered me.

And may be because of shocking realizing that this could happen – far there, fare from me. After despair fever I tried to convince myself… I was just getting myself crazy.

May be after long wine evening in house of Composers An after this girl in Voronej. Night train poker with this trembling man.

Or after this official date when he was sitting to close to me.

“just try to touch somebody else” I ve been always thinking.
And once I was sitting on training and watching a man. I was watching his body reflecting lazily. He caught my eyes. We can never understand that One loves us. But about wanting, animal component rises head. This “body” neared me and I felt aversion.
But yesterday…

i can never even think about it. Half a year watching me smiling and happy after random conversations with him mom asks me cunning – and what u gonna do if he comes to Moscow? And then easily decide, - knowing nothing about what connect me to this man or what ever had a place between us, - she easily decides – of course u will sleep with him, worthy daughter of her mother!

And worthy daughter of her mother start to realize difference between physical cheating and moral cheating. Between indifference and caring – a man. We re ready to invent so many things to stop to drive ourselves crazy.

I never remember that once I made it so straight. I told that was going to do that. U did? - he only asked when I came back? I did. I answered. I love u.
I could never explain him that that was my way from him. That I used it to get futher to him. That our story is over. That this happens. I proved it to myself. So easily that I never remembered it.

Can we trust a person who was cheating before? If u know how easy that for him. If u convinced urself that it can be easy for u. if he calls it offending. If u call him – a man.

- I cant tell u that I love u.
- U don’t
- And I know that he s good man and loves u. there is him, I know… but let me tell it. Let me try to be with u.

about yesterday

We so don’t love to be silly, to behave silly. More – when somebody makes u behave silly. Even more – when u realize that u behave silly. So I do apologize. Davvero. Mi scusa.

"can change"

After reading theoretical part he asked – and so who am I? I smiled as far as I was describing no more then him. First. I said easily. Of course first.
I used to think it too, my little one. But after these months I start to hesitate.
I smiled again. It was wonderful lying.