/not/let myself

the thing which i'm afaraid the most
the most
is my own feelings
or if i let them to overwhelm me.

can't help but remembering Turgenev again with his so touchy analysis of human soul:

Я уже не мальчик, даже не юноша, я уже не в той поре, когда обмануть другого почти невозможно, а самого себя обмануть ничего не стоит
(I'm not a boy already, not even a youth, I'm already not in this period of life when it's almost impossible to deceive another, but it cost nothing lo cheat urself)