lonely admittions

I m mean. I m really mean, and unfortunately I don’t want to accept this thought about myself.
I remember that during 2 weeks meditation session, when, having cleaned ur mind from all the garbage of everyday life, during these hours of still seating, u start painfully admit some things about urself.
And first thing I ve admitted was my meanness.
I m mean not only in simple meaning of greed(iness), avidity; avarice, (скупость, корыстолюбие); covetousness (алчность). That’s too. Yes.
I m mean about… food. Oh and a lot. I know that I don’t need that much but smth makes me take second, third, forth orange and quickly eat it.
About time. My damnation. One day it will make me weak and powerless. One day may be I ll not be able to accept minutes. One day I ll curse watches and myself.
I m mean about nights and morning.
About sun. About smell. About people. About friendship. About love. About physical love. About touches. About words. About declarations.
Books. Stories. Novells. Poems. Beauty. Proofs.
Proofs. Proofs that I m beautiful and I m ugly. By my body and by my mind. Proofs that I m good and proofs that I m miserable as they call me. Proofs that I ve change them.
Proofs that I ve changed them.
I m mean about people.
I m mean about sensless meanness.