rude
The strongest one is one who admits his weakness.
That was one of the most painful conversation of calm face I ve ever had. i wanted to explode with my sympathy to her but she asked me with her eyes why should I be sorry. She told he attitude but I couldn’t help but having the same story to tell. But attitude. Attitude was so different.
The strongest one is one who admits his weakness.
I never do. But my weakness is no secret. Secret is that I m doing my bst hiding this weakness… from myself.
The most fear I have is to be weak. Or to seem weak. The strongest fear I have is to feel more and receive no answer to this feeling. The most fear I have is to admit that somebody could influence me and my life. My proudness never let it know to another person. I t r y no to feel it. Pretend I don’t. don’t feel.
And so she asked me – what can be worse then not let u feel what u re feeling?
But pride?!
Fuck pride.
How often do u meet people who feel and say what they are feeling? who are honest to themselves? Being a person who is last lier in the world about myself I can tell that looking at her I felt world crushing.
My pride is miserable. First of all I need to proof the person that I CAN live without him. Sounds not that logical, isn’t it? Once a man – who knew me close enough- told about me in overhearing conversation – she’s strong enough to leave u for ur own, delay u from her life and never be back again. But she is not strong enough to forget about u ever”.
I ve got serous problems with “I miss u”, “I need u”, “u’re important for me”, “I love u”, “I want to be with u” words. I miserably (!) admit the influence of first men I was in love with - (and they wasn’t in love with me though) – and - even more miserably – the influence of my father.
That was the topic conversation started with.There are 90% families in Moscow living without fathers. Imaging how many girls and boys are having such a conversation at the same time my sick pride rises its head and crying me to shut up.
“to be indifferent and not care is one. What u’re doing and feeling – IS a hurt life because of him” – Zver’ told me smth which I m not able to admit still. The same as admit a fact to him that I need him, zver’, the most.
Labels: conversation, reflections.
posted by light will-o-z-wisp at
11:24 pm
1 Comments:
i must feel all my feelings. i must think of them. i must bear them. i must analyse them. i must understand them. i can let myself fuck up some my problems, but never - the feelings. they are all imporatnt for me. это почему я пошла сегодня на встерчу. я чувствовала ужас предстоящего. confusing. boring. annoying. but i just understood - i must face it. i must. face. it. i must open myself everyday. as you said tonight - i like suffering. as i said tonight - i dive into suffering. i dive intj suffering as well as to happiness and pride, wonderness and impressions, as well as i dive to everything i feel. i guess, i'm like that. sometimes it's hurt me, but this is how i feel LIFE. the most important thing in this world for me is LIFE and my feeling about it. and i do think that somebody's diolgue in a subway can influence on my mind, not only my father.
asya
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